Adventures of Humphrey

02 June, 2026

Last night I was on my absolute *best* behaviour. I slept right through the night on the sofa. Well… obviously. When you finally find a proper sofa on holiday, you must maximise every second of sofa time because you never know when the hoomans will cruelly take it away again. I considered it my duty to guard it with my life.

## **Early Morning Farm Patrol**

I woke bright and early, ready for action, but Dad told me to go back to sleep. Rude. Eventually he relented and took me out for my morning patrol. We wandered past a farm full of cows, and I was *very* interested in all the exciting countryside smells.

Naturally, I sprinted back to the apartment afterwards to tell Mum all about it by enthusiastically licking her face.

She immediately shouted:
“Yuck! You smell like a farm! Please tell me you didn’t eat cow pat then lick me!”

Dad said I hadn’t.

Ha. Cute story, Dad.

Then—unbelievably—the hoomans climbed *back into bed*. Honestly, they are the laziest creatures I’ve ever met. So I resumed my important role of protecting the sofa until they finally got themselves organised.

## **The Humiliation Device Returns**

Eventually we headed out for breakfast at the bakery, then ate on the balcony before the hoomans announced today’s adventure involved… a BUS.

Now I was quite excited at first because I’ve never been on one before.

Then Dad produced *the muzzle*.

I immediately slunk backwards with my ears flat and my head low. Absolutely not. Have these people no dignity? I am a handsome, well-travelled gentleman, not some kind of criminal mastermind.

Sadly, my protests were ignored and the dreaded face contraption was attached.

Humiliating.

Thankfully the bus ride was short, and the second we got off my face freedom was restored.

## **Breitachklamm Gorge Adventure**

We arrived at a place called **Breitachklamm Gorge**, but first the hoomans insisted on standing in a very long queue for tickets while I loudly explained that we were wasting valuable adventure time.

Finally we got moving, and I have to admit… this place was incredible.

Huge rocky cliffs towered above us while icy water rushed below. It was cool and shaded, perfect for a distinguished sporting dog such as myself. I strutted along the pathways greeting tourists, posing for photographs, and generally improving everyone’s experience.

But then… it got even better.

**FREEEEEEDOM IN THE MOUNTAINS**

Once we exited the gorge, we reached open meadows, forests, mountain trails, and cows wearing little bells around their necks.

THIS.

THIS was my kind of holiday.

It was quiet, peaceful, and full of glorious smells, so Dad unclipped my lead and suddenly I was FREE.

I zoomed through the meadows like a mountain gazelle.
I bounded through long grass.
I sprinted uphill, downhill, sideways, and occasionally nowhere in particular.

The hoomans kept stopping to admire the views, but I was too busy living my best mountain-dog life.

**The Great Alpine Downpour**

Halfway through the hike, the skies exploded.

Rain absolutely hammered down.

But honestly? I didn’t care one bit. I was having far too much fun charging through the mountains like an action hero.

The hoomans, however, looked like two drowned rats and were seriously damaging my street cred.

Still, I kept running until my paws were aching and my tongue was hanging out sideways. Worth it.

## **Bus Ride of Doom**

Eventually we headed back toward the bus stop, and once again… the muzzle appeared.

I spotted another dog and lunged enthusiastically to say hello, but—as usual—he barked directly in my face.

Yet somehow *I* got told off.

The injustice never ends.

Then came the worst part: the bus was PACKED. I was squashed between the hoomans’ legs while trying not to get stepped on. Every time the bus swayed, I accidentally leaned toward a grumpy German lady who looked at me like I’d personally ruined her holiday.

Rude.

When we finally got off, I was so desperate to escape that I practically face-planted onto the pavement in my hurry.

**Vampire Cat Attack**

Back at the apartment, I immediately collapsed onto the sofa for a recovery snooze because apparently running three times farther than the hoomans is “tiring.”

Later they cruelly dragged me back out for dinner.

On the way into town, I casually walked past a hedge when suddenly—

BAM.

A vampire cat launched itself out hissing, spitting, and showing terrifying little dagger teeth.

I nearly jumped out of my fur.

Dad steered me away, but just as I stopped for a tactical pee, the demon cat attacked AGAIN.

Honestly, it was like being hunted in a horror film.

Dogs that bark at me are one thing, but these mountain cats are clearly unhinged.

Thankfully I survived the ambush with all limbs intact.

## **Beer Hall Recovery**

We escaped into town where the hoomans hid from another thunderstorm in a beer hall before heading to a brewery for dinner.

I was an absolute hit with the waitress, naturally, though by this stage I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open.

Eventually we returned to the apartment where I resumed my rightful place on the sofa.

Then—just when I thought my suffering was over—Dad made me go outside AGAIN in the pouring rain before bed.

Apparently “being soaked twice already” isn’t an acceptable excuse.

The hoomans mentioned another hike tomorrow, so I shall now retire for some much-needed beauty sleep.

**Guten Nacht, loyal readers.**

### **Best Part of the Day:**

Zooming freely through the mountain meadows like an alpine superdog.

### **Worst Part of the Day:**

The vampire cat ambush. Absolutely traumatising.