Adventures of Humphrey

20 June, 2026

Well readers, we’ve reached the end of another grand adventure.

Last night I actually slept reasonably well considering I was on a boat. I carried out a little pre-bed security patrol, then resumed my duties at 5am when I noticed an alarming number of suspicious individuals wandering the corridors. The boat wasn’t even due to dock until 8am. Very questionable behaviour if you ask me.

Naturally I stood guard until the hoomans woke up.

You’re welcome.

The hoomans spent most of the night complaining about the heat. For once, I was delighted to be sleeping on the floor. There was also a poor doggo somewhere onboard howling the place down because his hoomans had left him alone in the cabin. Can you imagine? Abandoned at sea! Thankfully my hoomans took turns staying with me, so one of them was always present to admire me.

The spare hooman took me out for my morning constitutionals. I would like to formally state that the designated dog area remains unacceptable. I refused to use it. Eventually she escorted me beyond a gate that specifically said “No Dogs Beyond This Point” and suddenly I found a suitable location. Funny that.

After breakfast (for them) and a treat (for me), we waited for the boat to dock before returning to the car.

I didn’t need asked twice.

I launched myself into my usual spot immediately. My trusty road-trip throne. Safe, familiar, and exactly where I belong.

The drive through England felt endless. We stopped twice to charge the car and stretch our legs. At the first stop I was so happy to be off the ferry that I briefly reverted to puppy mode, tugging on my lead, bouncing around Dad and generally causing chaos.

The spare hooman returned with coffee.

Order was restored.

Eventually we reached Cairnryan. The hoomans had planned a final visit to my beloved Castle Kennedy, but roadworks near Penrith ruined everything.

Everything.

No final walk.

No woodland sniffs.

No farewell adventure.

Just a lap around the ferry terminal.

I would like this officially recorded as a grievance.

Then came the darkest moment of the entire trip.

Readers…

The hoomans boarded the ferry and left me behind.

IN THE CAR.

ALONE.

After twenty-one glorious days of uninterrupted togetherness.

The betrayal. I bet the spare hooman was behind this betrayal.

Apparently it was “only two hours.”

Only two hours?!

That’s approximately forty-seven years in dog time.

I sat bravely in the dark belly of the ship, wondering if I’d ever see civilisation again.

Thankfully they eventually returned and I greeted them as if they had been lost at sea since the Victorian era.

A short drive later and suddenly…

HOME.

I burst through the door and immediately conducted a full property inspection.

All toys accounted for.

Garden secure.

Perimeter checked.

Evidence suggests at least one cat may have trespassed during my absence.

The investigation remains ongoing.

Once everything was deemed satisfactory, I launched myself onto my sofa, stretched out all four paws and sighed the sigh of a dog who had completed his mission.

And what a mission it was.

## Humphrey’s Official Trip Review:-

Best Bits 🏆:

**1. Villa Humbourg, Tuscany**
The undisputed champion.

Multiple sofas.
Olive groves.
Forest walks.
Sunsets.

And best of all…

Figaro.

My Italian brother from another mother.

Ten out of ten.

Would move in permanently.

**2. The Dolomites/ Oberstdorf**

Mountains.
Snow.
Forests.
Rivers.
Meadows.
Hikes.

Everything a distinguished sporting dog could ever want.

I have never felt more alive.

**3. Playing with Figaro**

Wrestling.
Chasing.
Fetch.
Chaos.
Perfection.

I still miss him.

**4. Gelato**
Italy, thank you for your service.

**5. Being adored by literally everyone**

Children.
Waiters.
Tourists.
Wine guides.
Police officers.

I handled fame with remarkable humility.

Worst Bits 🚨:

**1. The Toenail Incident**
The less said about that horror story the better.

I trusted the hoomans.

The hoomans took me to the vet.

The vet attacked my toe.

I shall never fully recover emotionally.

**2. Face Contraptions**
Also known as muzzles.

Humiliating.
Unnecessary.
An attack on personal freedom.

**3. Heatwaves**
Thirty-plus degrees is simply too much fur for one dog.

**4. Being left in the ferry car deck**
See previous comments regarding betrayal.

Official Grievances Against The Hoomans 📋:

* Failure to provide sufficient chips.
* Failure to provide sufficient burgers.
* Failure to provide sufficient charcuterie.
* Failure to provide sufficient gelato.
* Repeated use of face contraptions.
* Excessive coffee stops disguised as sightseeing.
* Booking accommodation without sofas.
* Taking me to multiple veterinary establishments.
* Cancelling Castle Kennedy due to roadworks.
* Consistently refusing to allow me to eat cow pats.

I expect improvements before the next expedition.

## Final Thoughts:

Over twenty-two days I travelled through Northern Ireland, Scotland, England, the Netherlands, Germany, Liechtenstein and Italy.

I explored medieval towns, mountain trails, forests, vineyards, rivers, lakes and cities.

I met countless doggos, dozens of admirers and one extremely rude cat.

I climbed mountains, paddled rivers, rode ferries, buses, trams and cable cars.

I ate treats, cones and gelato.

I protected my hoomans from countless suspicious individuals.

And most importantly…

I successfully sniffed my way through Europe and back again.

Thank you for joining me on another adventure.

For now, I’m retiring to my sofa for a well-earned recovery period.

This is Humphrey, explorer, adventurer, professional good boy and international man of mystery…

Signing off.

**Until the next adventure.**

🐾 Humphrey x